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Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Thanks Bob.

I've always been enamored with "The Joy of Painting".  Growing up with 4, maybe 5 TV channels available via antenna, much of the time you were stuck with whatever was on.  Oh, and it's worth mentioning that if you ended up on PBS as your last resort, you knew you were in trouble.  That is, unless you happened upon one of the most gentle and modest all artists: Bob Ross.  I've been pulled into his 26 minute painting show at the most random times in my life.  It's had a lasting effect on me and especially now that all 31 series are available on multiple platforms.  I've watched every episode a minimum of 3 times.  I've now learned important things about everything from color theory to seeking inner peace.  If you've passed Bob off as a kooky public television personality and nothing more, please look again.  Bob Ross is teaching far more than painting mountain landscapes.  Thanks Bob.

Monday, June 3, 2019

Jerry Reed: Navigator of Netscapes

Building tattoo machines is enjoyable at times, but there's a huge part of it that is repetitive and mind numbing.  Luckily, my brain takes advantage of this idle time and comes up with some incredibly useless and painstakingly involved concepts.  A few months back while making parts at the lathe, I kept thinking about how funny it would be if guitar pickin' legend Jerry Reed spent his golden years surfing the internet, exploring newfangled technology... and of course writing a painful amount of music about it.  So much that it would necessitate an entire box set that would look like a desktop from 2001.

Later that day when I pitched the idea to my buddies Kevin Wathke and Jim Perlman (two people who love both Jerry Reed and hilarious nonsense), they couldn't help but get in on the fun.  Next thing you know, we've got 72 track titles.  If only it we're a real thing!

  1. Modem waking up my family.  (computer talkin’ funny)
  2. Liars in the chat room.
  3. Can’t settle on a Screen name (DirtyReedsDunDirtCheap)
  4. Free net in the mail (AOL trial disks aplenty)
  5. Hey losers!  I’m getting a 2nd phone line specifically for computering.  
  6. DSL is way faster than 56k!
  7. Most of the porn online is human toilets.
  8. Netzero my ass!
  9. Got me a leather cell phone holster for Father’s Day. 
  10. Just ask Jeeves. (way better than altavista)
  11. Inkjet cartridge blues.
  12. I'm the forum moderator now, jerk!  
  13. Napster gives my music away?
  14. I thought this live journal thing was private!  (secret’s out)
  15. We built this geocity on html. 
  16. Don’t misspell the word “come” on the internet! 
  17. I’m kicking you outta my MySpace top 8 
  18. Who the hell is Tom and why is he my friend? 
  19. I guess I have to like Metallica now. (No more Napster, hahaha)
  20. EBay: destroyer my Roth IRA’s. 
  21. Help!  Nigerian royalty stole all my money!
  22. Spam filter never tasted so good.
  23. Tupelo Mississippi flash drive. (Can’t unsee them pictures)
  24. Dot matrix printer only compatible with my old Tandy PC. (Bye bye banners)
  25. I gotta Log on to put my Log in?
  26. MySpace is out, Facebook’s moving in.
  27. Stalkers keep tracking me on 4square.
  28. I messed up and googled myself.
  29. Who's trolling my YouTube page?
  30. Router tillin’.
  31. Chocolate rain, prepare to feel the pain! (Tay Zonday was the troll)
  32. Online porn is still human toilets. 
  33. Better look out Microsoft Outlook. 
  34. Identity bandit keeps tricking my family.
  35. Dark web put my daughter in a red room
  36. More like google minus, am I right? 
  37. Watching myself on Netflix is weird. 
  38. Lost the installation disk to my printer. (again)
  39. Oops! Didn’t password protect the WiFi
  40. The internet is more racist than the entire cast and crew of “Smokey and the Bandit”. 
  41. Connecting professionally on LinkedIn
  42. Tech-Support Bra ain’t worth shit 
  43. Forwarding important / funny / political email eats up all my free time. 
  44. Jerry Reed Instagram fan pages have more followers than me?
  45. Nephew saw my search history, send help! 
  46. WebMD diagnosed me with west nile virus, bone cancer and conjunctivitis. 
  47. Tweeted my social security number and bank account information. (Yes, even the routing number)
  48. Drunken Amazon 1click buying spree.
  49. How does my phone know I like pop tarts? 
  50. Phone calls on my tablet 
  51. What’s a watchdog site and why am I on one??  
  52. World of Warcraft ruined my urge to tour
  53. Check out my unboxing video of a can of whoopass staring YOU! 
  54. Burt Reynolds won’t unblock me. 
  55. Thank Jesus for surge protectors
  56. Who in the hell is looking at E.T. porno on my work laptop? 
  57. My idiot kids sold my stamp collection on Craigslist (I’m calling the BBB)
  58. How’d a Snapchat filter get my credit card number? 
  59. For a pdf reader, you sure do require a lot of updating. (Acrobat in a wheelchair)
  60. Screw music, I’m an Etsy man now.  
  61. Cloud storage got hacked. (again)
  62. Computers think my passwords stink
  63. Where do I pick up my Spotify money?
  64. Whoopi Goldberg won’t retweet my jokes about “the Color Purple”. 
  65. Can someone please explain bitcoin? 
  66. Up all night, swiping right. 
  67. Grandma got'er clit burned off by a Sybian (gross out the max)
  68. Accident sent a dick pic (to my son)
  69. She got the Gateway, I got the Mac.
  70. Too tender for tinder.  (confidence crushed)
  71. Forced to admit, internet really messed up my grandkids. 
  72. I shot my computer’s dick off, RoboCop style.
After punishing a handful of folks with this ridiculous concept, I started to think about Mr. Reed and how he'd feel about it if I were to propose such a thing. I had to make sure that he was alive first so I looked it up on the very same internet where you're reading this. Sadly, Jerry Reed passed in 2008. Although Jerry isn't with us anymore, it's somehow funnier that this list exceeds the timeline of his life. Hopefully heaven has internet access so he can continue his hard work: forwarding emails and seeing all the things you can't unsee thanks to the world wide web.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

After all these years...

More carved brass items up for sale soon.  

I like drawing fungi.
I never would've thought I'd want to revive this ol' thing!  Like the saying goes, you never know how good you've got it until it's gone.  Well, or until social media hatefucks any joy a person might get  from an already vain pursuit.  So, thanks to the short comings of Facebook, Instagram, etc. here I am once again.  Maybe now with some perspective I can enjoy publishing my stupid thoughts and creations.  There's no "like" button and no way to comment.  Probably wouldn't read them if there were.  The one thing that blogs have always had going in their favor is the concept of a one way system.  I've had the alternative with various perpetual feedback loops.  A nuisance for someone like myself and the ultimate slave driver of humanity from the looks of it.  Maybe I'm just cynical?  Maybe the solution is to make the internet blogs again.  Fucking BLAWGZZZZZZ!  GET YER BLAWG ON, DAWG!

Here's a little something to help shake the rust off this old clunker.  A little mash up I did years ago of a Linnea Quigley workout tape with the song "Turn the Hell On" from the NWOBHM band "Fist".  Enjoy and FTW.  -S